Friday, January 21, 2011

Losing My Mind (assuming I had one to begin with)

I am one of those rare few people that out performs in crisis mode. If there is something that needs to happen, I can put aside every single emotion known to mankind and get things done. The only major problem with this is, since I am not dealing with emotions in the heat of the moment, they tend to bubble up when I least expect them and often forget what caused the upset in the first place. Enter this week.

I have been going to school part time to accumulate enough pre-requisite classes to apply to medical school. I also work full time. I have a dog, a boyfriend, friends, a pretty addictive photography habit, and I refuse to eat fast food. What does this mean?! Not enough time to do anything ever. So crisis mode is sort of a constant companion.

To get an idea of what this like let me explain. I am currently taking 200 level biology classes. This includes genetics, and taxonomy of ever creature under the sun, literally, except archeas. I am in class 8 hours a week, with at least 20 hours of homework and studying required to maintain A grades which are required for maintaining scholarships. That’s 28 hours of school a week at least. Add that to a 40-50 hour work week, at an office, which adds approximately 5 hours of driving time to and from work. Plus on days that I have class, the distance traveled between by school, office and home are too great to traverse between activities so I go from work to class adding an extra 4 hours to my school time. Leaving my out of home time commitments at about 87 hours a week. Assuming I get 6-8 hours of sleep a night, that is a total of 48-56 sleeping time. In summation I have already accounted for 143 hours of my week of which is there is only 168, leaving me 25 hours to: play with my dog, spend time with a boyfriend that means to world to me, see my friends (who are truly incredible people), keep my house clean, feed myself, keep myself clean, grocery shop, get some exercise, as well as work on scholarship and grant applications, taxes, mortgage payments, house projects and maybe if I have one second of one moment I would like to just sit and not do anything (but this never actually happens). Week over, lights out, goodnight, my brain has left the building.

Why am I torturing myself like this? Because I hate my job, and I am slowly (very slowly) working my way to a goal that makes me so excited sometimes I could cry. Properly understanding the human body, our interactions with food, the environment and our world at large is an amazing journey.  I cannot wait to be a Naturopathic Physician, I have never in my life felt this kind of joy and pull toward doing something with the exception of photography and dance. And as the days and weeks and months progress, I get busier trying to keep up on everything. It is very easy to lose focus and not spend enough time on one of the aforementioned activities of everyday living. Currently it seems to be seeing my friends and sleeping.

This week has been a particularly good week though. I have gotten to spend, not enough time but, a decent amount of time with the boyfriend. Had a wonderful date, turned in a bunch of papers and homework (a head of time!!!!! holy crow), have managed to utilize more of my commuting time by finding some books I have been meaning to read on CD at the library (The Greatest Show on Earth currently in the player), have gotten a decent amount of sleep (though not enough) and even managed to run a couple miles. And then I started crying. Why?! I honestly dont know, but I am sure it was built up from trying to organize scholarships, and get Christmas together on top of all my other every day duties as well as trying to get my house ready to sell. And while I had a couple days of blissful peace my exhausted body said finally! now it’s time to panic.

The moral of this story is twofold. One, if I have been cranky, moody, flighty and/or irritable towards any of my  favorite people this is why. And two, I need to take more breaks so the bottled up panic can work its way out more evenly. Sadly this state of being is only going to get worse once I start grad school, so maybe it times for me to be better at organizing and simplifying my life, but that in its self is just yet another project that requires time. I think it’s time to start petitioning  for a 12 day week.

                                         worn out, just like me

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